When Son #1 left for college, my standard phrase was: “I’m happy for him, but not so much for me.” And that was the honest truth! I did a lot of anticipation crying … like I started tearing up during his Junior year of High School. All the while thrilled for him and enjoying each moment of the man he was becoming, but sad for me. I did not cry on college move-in day as folks promised I would. I did not cry on the long drive home and my husband was pleasantly surprised. I did cry when we got home and that stinker had left special handwritten notes for each of us. He is still in trouble for that!
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The days that followed were a strange mixture of emotions and many that I reprimanded myself for. I was determined not to be that mom who longed for toddler days. I was also dealing with health issues that could not be figured out. The emotion of a son leaving and an undiagnosed sickness left me spent and drained. Most days it would have been easier to stay in the bed.
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At some point the word “grief” passed over my ears or through my brain or in my heart. I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but I do remember the moment that I acknowledged my grief. The loss. Not a physical death, but a notable loss nonetheless.
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Why had I not been warned of this? Why had I not thought about it earlier? How much energy would I have saved? How many words of self-reprimand would I have withheld?
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Why do we typically not think of grief in terms other than death? I knew better. When my first marriage ended, I walked through a grieving time like no other.
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The Grief Process is normal. It is natural. It is God-given. Not to be fought or denied. To be acknowledged and lived through.
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Once I realized my grief, I was able to give myself permission to walk through it. I talked about it – even to folks who really didn’t care! I expressed it with words, tears, hugs and journaling. I didn’t particularly enjoy it but knew it was necessary to get me to a new place. There was a new stage of life to be lived.
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This loss was actually a good one. I never intended for my boys to live with me until they were 40!!! I grew them up so they could leave. My son going to college made for some proud mom moments. The loss was not losing a son. Instead, it was losing a form of parenting that I had known for 18 years – the kind of parenting where the child lives under your roof, you feed & clothe and pay lots of money for various things, and have a false sense of control of his life.
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It was what it was supposed to be. My loss. My grief. Acknowledged and Lived.
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And so it has continued to be played out in so many areas of leadership. Loss of ministry partners who received calls to other churches. Loss of special families leaving for jobs in other cities. Loss of loved staff members who God called Home. Loss of normal routine due to changes in scheduling and programming. Loss of preferred methods as decisions were made that were not my own.
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These losses always were followed by a time of grieving. Some much shorter than others. Some that are still tender to this very day.
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Acknowledging grief in leadership is important. It is critical. It is yet another way to lead yourself well.
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